The Makers Retreat 2019

Pigeon Forge, TN

Last weekend, I had the honor and privilege of attending The Makers Retreat, with about 50 women, in the Great Smoky Mountains.  I have struggled, for several days now, to put into words how much this event meant to me. But I need to do it. I need to write this down, because this is the value of a supportive community, in anything you do. Not that I was lacking support in my life, but there was something in my brain that previously struggled to receive it. And when something broken, becomes fixed, you need to remember how it was fixed; a manual to improving my self worth. 

I have had difficulty with my self image my entire life, but most recently, since having my 4th child, I have really struggled with my weight. As a former college athlete, I have felt like I don’t deserve to even be seen like this, that my name doesn’t deserve to even be talked about in the context of athletics anymore. I have lost sight of my value, and placed it on superficial things. I have been fat shaming myself for years…to the point of punishment. 

You can’t have that snack. You didn’t earn it. 

You can’t buy new clothes. You didn’t reach your goal.

You don’t deserve a pedicure. You haven’t worked for it.

There are a lot of valuable life lessons learned in athletics, but one that I wish hadn’t been ingrained in me, was this idea that mistakes, or rather, imperfections, deserve punishment; that slip ups, quick errors in judgment, or unachieved goals have painful consequences. Sure, mistakes do have consequences, but what athletics taught me was that those mistakes diminished my value. Those imperfections, which I didn’t always have control over, made me less than. 

And I have been carrying that for almost two decades. 

Last weekend, I was meeting strangers, some of which had never heard of me at all; others who had a social media perception of me, which I controlled. I am very careful about the placement of the camera in selfies and videos when I talk to my audience. I try to look like a woman who deserves their attention. 

Walking in I was afraid. I was afraid they wouldn’t even recognize me, because of the fraud I had been online. I was afraid they would think I was a fat slob, not that this thought has ever occurred to me about anyone other than myself. I look at myself through a microscope, and it is not flattering. I was afraid they would see all the things in me that I hate. I was afraid of the look I have sometimes seen in people who knew me back when I was something…thin, fit, healthy, athletic. You know that look? 

Wow. She really let herself go.

They didn’t.

They embraced me. They loved me. They accepted me…exactly as I am. I have never, in my life, felt so much love and acceptance from a group of strangers. I have longed for a team – my people, since the days of basketball teammates – a sisterhood with a common passion. In this handmade community, I have found just that; a team, supportive friendships, a we’re-in-this-together mentality. 

They healed something in me, I didn’t even fully realize was broken. I thought it was normal to feel this way. I thought I deserved to feel this way. My faults. My mistakes. My consequences. But here I was, surrounded by beautiful, trendy, talented women, of all ages, who reminded me that I had value to offer this world, exactly as I am. Maybe it’s because they’ve never known me any other way, but they didn’t cringe, or do a double take when I walked into a room. They ran to me, embracing me, and made me feel whole again. 

My mom walked around taking pictures for the whole event, and for the first time in years, I didn’t hide from the camera. I was supposed to be here. I belonged. These are my people. It has been such a long time since I have felt at home in my own skin, that this feeling felt foriegn to me.

Leaving them behind, after one whirlwind weekend, and reentering the real world of adulting, it is hard to explain to others, the mark they’ve left on my soul, but they’ve shined a light in a dark place, and I have to write it down. I have to remember not to let it burn out.

Find your people, be it at the top of a mountain, or deep in the valley. In either place, lift each other up.